This is the second part of my 4-Hour Dating Series. Best-selling author, Tim Ferriss, released a book called The 4-Hour Chef on how he can deconstruct any skill to make it easy to master in a year or less. I realized that my method for dating beautiful women fit perfectly into his deconstruction model, so I decided to map out for you how to date an amazing woman by going out only four hours in a month.
I’m a dating coach. Every night, I get to see what’s tripping up men, and then work with them on fixing it. I’ve found the #1 biggest problem across the board. What is this horrible, upsetting, anxiety-filled problem? (It’s the reason why many of my students come to me even scared to walk into a bar.)
I think that men who are successful with women think differently than other men. There is a completely different mindset, or perspective, that successful men have. If you can access this mindset, you are halfway there. This is what I spend 75% of my time talking to students about. And if you master it, meeting women will feel awesome instead of paralyzing.
Before I go on, I want to say that this post is the most important part of meeting women that you will ever learn. Without this puzzle piece fitting snugly into your psyche, you are bloody done for. Most guys ignore this part thinking it’s something they can overlook. Beginners don’t realize that this is what makes up all of it. This is the meat and potatoes. This is the eggs to the batter. The chickpeas in my falafel. If you don’t master this stuff, everything else will be a failure. And it’s so simple too. But time and time again, this is what I see missing from all of my students. Read with heed, please.
Winning Women and Gaining Acceptance
Have you heard of The Game? A book that came out several years ago about the secret world of pickup artists. These men use scripted routines, jokes, and stories to attract women.
Everything is planned from the start. Everything is forced. Nothing is left up to chance. Games are about winning, and remember that I have performance anxiety. If I am put on the spot to “win” something (or someone), I get so nervous. I can’t act right. I get all stonato in the head. Plus, all of that planning, memorizing, and acting is too much effort. I don’t want to have to work hard in a social environment, I want to relax and enjoy the moment.
When I’m out teaching students around Manhattan, I see other guys working on their “game” and it’s obvious they are not enjoying themselves, and neither are the women they are approaching. Why? These men are focused on one thing: Winning. Achieving something. As if women are something to “get;” objects rather than persons, something to win or lose; to be accepted by or rejected by.
This is good for the competitive or left-brained types; the brainiacs that love math equations and the “bros” who get off on conquering others. But for everyone else, we end up feeling like robots. And humans have an instinct for noticing and weeding out robots–especially the ever perceptive, women. These parasites are no fun, and the real root of their desire to “win” women is based in social acceptance.
In one way or another, I think we’re all under the impression that being accepted is the holy grail. But it’s usually not what we think. Celebrities just want to be left alone. People getting stalked aren’t flattered, they are annoyed and even in fear. We have this feeling that if we can just “get” the person of our dreams, it will be the end of desire. We don’t understand that desire isn’t something that ends. Desire has no end. It’s a parasite. Desire wants for wanting’s sake. There’s that saying, “For every desirable woman, there is a man who is tired of dating her.” Why? Because there is no such thing as actual fulfilled desire. It’s a mental construct.
When I make a connection with a woman, she sees that I have complete focus onto who she is as a person, and subsequently am in complete appreciation of her. When all of my attention is focused on this, I have no room to feel desire–which is essentially an insecurity.
Have you ever heard people say, “Just be yourself!” I hate that advice. The second you focus on being yourself is the moment you become exactly the opposite. Or as Ben Folds says, he becomes the best imitation of himself. Read the lyrics. I haven’t understood what they meant until now.
“I feel like a quote out of context. Withholding the rest, so I can be for you what you want to see.
I got the gesture and sound, got the timing down. It’s uncanny, yeah, you think it was me.
Do you think I should take a class to lose my Southern accent?
Did I make me up, or make the face till it stuck?
I do the best imitation of myself.”
“Maybe I’m thinking myself in a hole.
Wondering who I am, when I oughta’ know.
Straighten up. Now time to go fool somebody else.”
“Last night I was east with them, and west within.
Trying to be for you what you want to see.
But I can’t help it with you, the good and bad comes through.
Don’t want you hanging out with no one but me.
Now if it’s all the same, it comes from the same place.
And if my mind’s somewhere else, you won’t be able to tell.
I do the best imitation of myself.
Yes it’s uncanny to see, you really thinking it was me.
The best imitation of myself.”
Genius stuff. I feel like this a bunch when my mind is somewhere else. That is why today’s lesson is so important. I never tell anyone to be themselves. That is counterintuitive. Instead, I have them focus on their surroundings. The instant they focus on what’s around them, and not on what’s inside of them, is when their true personality emerges. And that’s the secret to confidence. Here we go…
Appreciation is the Real Confidence
Earlier I mentioned how in the past, I was under the impression that success with women was in the performance. I then came to realize I was dead wrong. My assumptions were because I was looking at all the wrong things. Like everyone else, I was only seeing the noticeable results of a person’s charm, and wasn’t looking deeper to see what was actually driving it.
As a man, it’s easy to think that you need to be focusing on your performance. We see amazingly charismatic people controlling a room with their energy and stories. To us, they seem on stage. Our brains think, “A good performance brings a desirable response.” This must mean that the bigger and better the performance, the bigger and better the response. Yes?
But that’s a superficial way to look at it. There has to be something behind the performer. What is driving him? What makes him want to express himself so willfully? If you can get a hold of that, then you’ve found the magic potion.
I think the answer is appreciation for your environment (There are many ways to say this. “Loving life,” or “having fun,” are other ways). Appreciation is the opposite of desire. Desire wants change. But a man with appreciation is overwhelmed with how amazing everything is at this very moment.
We’ve become desensitized to our environment. If you spent time each day slowly observing what’s around you, you can never be bored. But instead, we tend to disengage and retreat into thought. We put more importance on the past, the future, our fears and our guilt; everything but the one thing that is actually real—this very moment.
We’ve won the lottery.
There are an infinite amount of people that had the chance to be born in place of you and I, but we ended up being the lucky ones. We have at least forty more years to play around on this amazing Disney World of a place, and then we fall back into obscurity until the end of time. We could have been nothing, but instead we are something. The fact that you are here, just the thought that you’ve won the life lottery, should be overwhelming you with appreciation each day when you wake up. Reality is best video game, better than the iPhone, better than seeing Avatar in 3D. Reality is life’s natural stimulation.
Instead of trying recognize how valuable you might be, recognize how valuable life is. Instead of caring about how people view you, merely see yourself as a vessel in which you can appreciate everything that is around you. Giving full appreciation and respect towards your surroundings is how happiness happens. That’s appreciation.
“Shape clay into a vessel; it is the space within that gives it value. Place doors and windows in a house; it is the opening that brings light within. Set spokes within a wheel; it is the emptiness of the hub that makes them useful. Therefore, be the space at the center. Be nothing, and you will have everything to give to others.” -Master Po, the grasshopper guy, Kung Fu
Appreciation is the real confidence. When you are focused on appreciating all that is around you, there is no fear in your heart. Socializing will no longer be about getting people to like you, but you finding appreciation in the people you are with. People will like you because you will be focused on liking people. That’s the secret. You won’t be focused on getting others to boost your ego, because you will have forgotten that you could have one in the first place.
Any time you are focusing on something other than what is around you, you are losing the opportunity to be in total bliss with your surroundings. The world brought your here, it is your responsibility to give your utmost appreciation and respect back to the world. We are all cogs for it to harmoniously turn. If one of us is absent, the machine breaks. A butterfly swerves off course. A hurricane ruins a forest somewhere in Asia. At the very least, it is your responsibility to simply be here with others in the moment. To be lost in our heads would be showing disrespect towards our surroundings, whether we are alone in our bedroom or mingling at a party. Are you finding it difficult to find appreciation for the people or things around you? Get slower, and look closer. Get real close. Look at all the nooks and crannies. Examine it without any judgment, but with a clear eye. Sometimes we need to step out of our normal perspective and see something in a different way to discover its true beauty.
Caine: “How does one find the strength within himself?”
Master Po: “By being one with all that is without himself.”
I think the Irish are the secretly enlightened ones. Anytime I see an Irish man at a social function he is fully engaging with everyone around him. The person in front of him at any moment is the most important person in his life. Or at least he makes it seem that way. He’s always fully investing into a conversation, whether it’s an old granny or a five-year old kid. Whatever or whoever is in front of him provides an opportunity for an enjoyable time. Whatever emotion they feel gives an opportunity to have fun. I once was talking someone from Ireland–she was telling me how Irish guys enjoy fighting. It’s fun to them. Instead of using anger to make their lives worse, they have fun with anger. They see it as a game. “You called my country stupid? Let’s fight!”
I’ve learned a ton from the Irish. In my experience, they tend to over-invest when chatting with me. Even if I am feeling tired and not in the mood to interact at the moment, an Irish bloke will still force me to engage with him. In his eyes, it’d be disrespectful to ignore someone standing right next to him.
The Irish are constantly in appreciation of the current moment, hardly ever in their heads. As a result, they feel compelled to positively engage with their environment. And that’s the bloody secret to all of this. It’s the missing key that makes all of this pie in the sky talk become tangible; something real. Full immersion and appreciation for the moment brings a compulsion to engage with everything and everyone in it.
The Irish don’t watch TV. They don’t play video games. They don’t listen to NPR. The Irish live to appreciate the people around them. That’s it.
The idea that we are just alive and experiencing all of these things around us–it’s all too much. It’s too much stimulation all at once whenever I become aware of it. We’ve just taught ourselves to shut that side off as a replacement for thinking. Our brains have tricked us into thinking that thinking is the best thing to do. But when you go into the now, for real, the moment becomes overwhelming with excitement. And that excitement is what compels us to want to engage with others. Do you get it now? It’s something you feel good about doing. Going up to a girl should feel good. Because you aren’t looking for validation, but in utter appreciation of the person in front of you.
Does that sound overwhelming at the moment? Maybe you don’t see yourself as an extrovert, you just want to date amazing women. I hear you loud and clear, partner. If you still see yourself as an introvert despite all you’ve read above, then just keep reading.
Introverts and Extroverts
I was speaking recently about what it means to be an introvert and an extrovert. I don’t believe that you have to be talkative and high energy in order to be pinned as an extrovert. I also believe that someone can be talkative and high energy and be seen as an introvert. This is good news for a person that tends to be more quiet in social settings.
Then what makes the difference between the two? Engagement. An extrovert is one who enjoys engaging with the people around him. This is complete attention and focus on your environment or whatever is in front of you. An introvert stays disengaged. Are you present while interacting with whatever person is in front of you at the moment, or are you in your head?
An introvert is not one who speaks less, but who fails to engage with his surroundings. I have seen talkative, high energy people that never actually engage with the person in front of them. From afar, it seems as though they are invested in a genuine conversation. From up close, it’s obvious these people are still in bed sleeping.
An extrovert need not be one who is chatty around others. I have seen the best engagers of my life work a room with only a few words and strong presence. The extrovert engages with people because he loves people, not because he wants people to love him. He takes time with people. He doesn’t rush his words, nor does he rush others’. When he listens to someone, each word is the most important word being said at that moment. They have no fear in approaching someone new, because they aren’t worrying about being accepted. They understand that engaging with others has nothing to do with performing, it has to do with appreciation. Why is it that two friends can say only a few words to each other and communicate volumes? It’s because communication is 75% body language, facial expression, and tonality. The words are for you, not for the other person.
Engaging doesn’t mean talking. It means putting complete attention on whatever is in front of you. That’s it. Now you no longer have an excuse that you are “introverted.” Being introverted is a mood, not a personality type.
Okay. We’re now halfway through the series. That was all the backend. The stuff that goes on inside your brain. The background work. The producer, the director, the stagehand, the sound guy. But what about the actors? Where do they com in on this adventure? The next two parts of this series will focus on exactly that. What do you do when you are in front of a bunch of women, and have nothing to say? If the purpose isn’t to get them liking you, then what the hell do you do? Here’s the short answer: Almost nothing.
You all know that Tim likes simplicity. Well boys, did I sure make it simple for you. In fact, I have reason to believe that Mystery and Neil Strauss are going to be punching in their pillows over these next two “pick up artist” articles I release. Why? It’s going to disprove all of the tactics, tricks, and routines they’ve been throwing at nerds for the past fifteen years. When I say you will be doing almost nothing in order to meet and attract great women, I really mean that. Be prepared for this next installment.