In 2012, Tim Ferriss wrote a book called The Four-Hour Chef. In it, he teaches how to deconstruct any skill using the 80/20 principle. He finds which twenty percent of a method brings eighty percent of the results. I think Tim would like my method for meeting women. I cut out all of the unnecessary song and dance that always made me nervous with other methods, and found out the few subtle things that do eighty percent of the work.
The following four part series is going to show you how I took Tim Ferriss’ deconstruction principles, and constructed a method that will get you an amazing, gorgeous girlfriend after only four hours. Not per day, not per week–four hours in a month.
When I tell people that I founded a company on teaching men to master the art of dating, I get one of two responses. The usual response is an interest in how it works, and everyone likens it to the movie Hitch. The second response I get is of skepticism. What’s their reasoning? They are in disbelief in how I can teach a man how to become more attractive towards women without compromising his real personality. The truth is, you don’t have to change your personality one bit. Are you weird? Nerdy? Goofy? Great. The focus isn’t about changing who you are, but changing the way “who you are” is delivered. That is what we work on. I know the true side of all of my students, and work at getting them to open up their real side to me with each week that we meet. Most of my students are hiding their personalities behind layers of a socially pressured facade. It’s the real side I want to see when they are interacting with others in a social environment. And that is exactly what I bring about. Let’s go over where everyone seems to fail.
1. Burden of performing
With what I’m about to teach you, you don’t have to perform. In fact, putting on a show will actually make you look desperate.
2. Fear of rejection
I’ve made it so you will never get rejected. Why? Because you will never try to be accepted in the first place. Moving on…
3. Money spent on alcohol
Drinking may drop your inhibitions, but it also worsens your judgment and management skills. We’ll talk more about that later on. Just order water or seltzer. Want a quick tip? Here’s my recipe for The Faux-Tail: Seltzer on the rocks with lime and a splash of grenadine. Stir and enjoy, it looks like you’re drinking.
4. Having nobody to go out with
Never fear. With this approach, you don’t need someone to go out with. Why? There’s tons of potential friends to make at the bar. I’ll show you how to make your own little social circle when you go out, and explain why this is so beneficial.
5. Succumbing to online dating
Stay away from dating sites. Go out instead. Dating sites are an inefficient way to meet great people. Why? No matter how great someone’s profile is, or how attractive they seem in pictures, or even how charming they are in their messages, there is something that is impossible to gauge through a computer screen: True chemistry. Trust me on this. Just stay away if you want to save time. I know your cousin John met his wife through eHarmony, but you’re not John. He spent every evening home from work on the computer getting carpal-tunnel.
“Generally speaking, the “front end” is the user interface, and the “back end” is the code supporting that front end (responsible for database access, business logic etc).” — Jon Skeet, http://stackoverflow.com/a/3197355
“Frontend is what you do that the user can see. Like designing a user interface. Backend programming is the code that the user doesn’t see. This is what works with the data behind the scenes.” — Kyra, http://stackoverflow.com/a/3197347
When it comes to being a pro at dating, the same applies. Simply put, the “back end” is your lifestyle and the “front end” is your social skills. Without a good back end, your social skills suffer–just like a website with beautiful design (front end) can turn quickly frustrating if there are bugs in the coding (back end). When it comes to lifestyle, it’s all about being happy. And it took me years, but I’ve finally cracked the code on what it takes to be happy all the time. And the best part about it is I get assistance from a cartoon character from my past. Enter Captain Planet theory.
Captain Planet: The Ultimate Medication
It would always fascinate me to see a superhero that could be conjured only by the combined powers of five kids. Where was Mr. Planet before the conjuring? Did he sit on a rocking chair reading eco-friendly newspapers in some alternate universe? I think it bounced around in my subconscious for years after that, because I’ve found a real-life method for bringing about the Captain Planet in everyone.
I find when all of these five aspects in life are implemented into someone’s routine, his or her happiness levels shoot through the roof.
- Strength and Aerobic Exercise
- Healthy, Sensible Diet
- Regimented Sleep
- Life Purpose
- Appreciation for Surroundings
When these five power combine, you are Captain Planet–without the green mullet. You’ll find if one of them is absent in the daily routine, it will trip you up somewhere in the future. It is my belief that most depressed people don’t need medication, they need Captain Planet. The first three powers are outside the scope of this post, but can be researched in Tim’s previous book, The Four-Hour Body (http://amzn.com/0307704610). So all we have left to talk about are the last two.
4. Life Purpose There is a ridiculous difference between the happiness in a man with and without a life’s purpose. Let’s nail down what purpose actually means, because it gets thrown around a lot between hippie and self-improvement circles. Life purpose comes from utilizing your passions in a way that consistently brings value and joy to others. Without purpose, life is meaningless. Ten percent of America is depressed. That’s one out of every ten people. Why? They spend more time watching television, playing video games, and liking statuses on Facebook than doing something that benefits the world. And because of that, they end up feeling worthless. In other words, purposeless. Too many children have committed suicide not because of being bullied–being bullied was just a product of the real problem. Sadly, I think these children commit suicide because they felt they had no reason to live (no purpose). Purpose flings you out of bed in the morning like a pebble from a slingshot aimed sharply at your projects. When someone has purpose, he has a reason for being on this planet. There’s a mission, a clear reason for living. Purpose provides you with a path in life, somewhere to go, something to do. It’s what keeps us from just being hippies. Hippies have no purpose in life. That’s why they smoke weed and dance around all day long. Because there’s nothing better to do. Granted, they do have part of life’s cocktail taken care of–they sure do know how to enjoy the moment (#5 of Captain Planet).
Purpose grounds you, keeps you centered, focused, happy, masculine, timely and efficient, it keeps you in the moment, keeps your head clear, keeps you hungry. When you have purpose, you are more focused on executing what you want in life, instead of pussyfooting around. Purpose gives you the best choice to make in the time granted. Purpose is incredibly attractive to women–incredibly. A man with purpose is constantly progressing and bettering himself. You become wise with your time in everything you do, because when your life purpose is the primary goal, everything else comes second. Women feel that when you interact with them. They can tell that “stuff be goin’ on in your life.” They feel inside you that even though you are fully engaged with them, there is some underlying force to everything you do. They see you don’t waste time. There’s an urge in them to grab you. They love that you have a passion for doing something big in life, and they want to go on that ride with you.
When you have no purpose to propel you, you begin to search for other things to make you content. Unhealthy, indulgent, hedonistic pleasures like sex, drugs, drinking, television, and overeating. All of those things are nice, but when relied upon for being happy, they will screw up your head, make you reliant, and eventually depress you.
Most guys are interested in refining the front end. They want to know the tricks they can say to a girl to make her like them. They don’t realize that without building a strong back end (lifestyle), the time you actually are out meeting women will result in weak delivery. It’d be like coming to a gun fight sick, tired, drunk, and unfed. No matter how good your skills are, you ain’t no Doc Holiday and you’ll be nobody’s huckleberry (http://youtu.be/KfbAFgD2mLo).
If you are not doing something that makes you feel like you belong on this earth, then you have no place assuming you can attract a beautiful, purposeful, confident woman. There’s tons of books on finding your purpose in life. I won’t go much further about it here. But I will give you a quick questionnaire to help confirm if you have one:
- Do you love doing it?
- Can you write a hundred page book about it?
- Does it bring value/joy to others?
- Does it make you money?
In short, figure out what you are passionate about in life, and then take a job or create one that will bring value and/or joy to people’s lives. Having a specific purpose in life also gives you a specific lifestyle to go with it. If you choose to neglect the lifestyle that goes with your purpose, you are also choosing to neglect your potential dream partner. Why? It usually ends up that the type of person you’re interested in leads a life that parallels your own. Instead of rejecting this notion, it’s smarter to embrace it. People waste time looking for love in all the wrong places. They take excitement over chemistry. Dating a stripper may sound fun in theory, but if you don’t own a strip club or have any idea what it’s like in the exotic entertainment business, its obvious the relationship will inevitably fail.
Since it’s easier to find chemistry with someone that shares your passions in life, then it’s important that you lead a lifestyle that is in sync with your life’s purpose. You will save a ton of time when it comes to finding your dream girl, and that is why it’s the next component of the backend that we’ll cover.
Lifestyle Attracts Lifestyle
Trophy wives do it right. And I want to take after them. Why? Because they are smart. Their biggest secret is they make it seem to a man as if they just showed up in the right place at the right time. But nothing could be further from the truth. Everything about their lifestyle is calculated down to the toenail. We shouldn’t look down upon these highly efficient women known as “trophy wives,” we should learn from them; because they do dating right. Your lifestyle is everything. The clothes you wear, the shows you watch, the places you frequent, the type of people you surround yourself with, the music you listen to, the job you have, the way you speak, the way you move, the topics you focus on, and the publications you subscribe to all define who you are as a person. All of these things make up your lifestyle. But many people fail to use this to their advantage. They wear the same old clothes because they are too lazy to go shopping for something they really want. They stay home and play video games instead of attending events that coincide with their passions. They eat poorly instead of focusing on a healthy diet. But what’s the importance of this stuff when all you want to do is meet an attractive woman?
Several years back, I visited a friend in New York. I was still living in New Jersey, and had no idea what kind of lifestyle I wanted to lead, because I had no purpose in life. He told me how he was going to the top club in Manhattan to meet up with his friends and probably meet some women. He also mentioned how the cover to get into this club was fifty dollars, and a drink costs around fourteen. This perplexed me. Why in hell would my friend want to go to this upscale club just to meet up with friends and hopefully find a girl? I told him that there are many gorgeous women all over the place, even in dive bars. He told me that those aren’t the type of women he’s interested in. Those women don’t match his lifestyle. Yes, there may be beautiful women at places without the expensive cover and pricey drinks, but those women won’t have similar ambitions in life, or talk about similar topics, or share similar hobbies. To some people, they will see this as a shallow way to live. For me, this was an enlightening moment.
So often, my students will visit social functions that don’t coincide with the lifestyle they want to lead or the women they want to date. If you are a professional, would it be wise to meet women at the dive bar across the street from your home? Do you think you’ll meet someone that matches your interests at a place like that? What if you are a punk rocker, would you find anyone that matched your view on life if you frequented a Dave and Buster’s? Would you have much success meeting women in a bookstore if you don’t enjoy reading yourself? When you are in places you don’t really want to be, a woman will instantly see you aren’t a man living a purposeful life, but rather just a lost soul with nowhere to go. The more focused you are about living the lifestyle you want to lead, the more you’ll find yourself dating women you are genuinely attracted to, and who are genuinely attracted to you. The reason for this is chemistry. Chemistry makes meeting women easy. Instead of fighting against the current by meeting women who have nothing in common with you, meet women in places that are in line with your values. If you abhor upscale clubs, then you probably wouldn’t enjoy the people inhabiting them. It’s time to get focused on what you enjoy, and staying on that path.
Too often people fall victim to bad dates because they aren’t looking for someone they are interested in, but rather for someone who can make them happy. Because of this, they will go on a date with anyone who looks nice, and ignore realistic probabilities about the chemistry of the relationship. Desperation can make you blind to rationale. Before you begin dating, find out exactly what it is you want in a significant other, maybe even write it down. Get to know your deal breakers for a relationship, so you can screen someone before the date itself. If you are smart about your dating life, you’ll end up with a great relationship as a reward.
Back to trophy wives. They know the exact type of man they want to marry. They are savvy to this type of man’s lifestyle, and work to situate themselves smack dab in the middle of it. Does a successful man want a woman who is unattractive? Of course not. So not only will she spend time keeping herself looking absolutely stunning, but she will also work on social skills that cater to that circle. She is outgoing, talkative, polite, positive, and caring. She is never out of line, and knows how to handle herself in any situation. She makes sure she looks pristine in every way; dressing well, smelling good, and sometimes going so far as to even modify her… strong points. These women will go to the events and venues that successful, attractive men frequent. They mingle with and befriend people in the upper class, getting into their social circles, and eventually being introduced to the exact kind of men they are looking to love, marry, and raise a family with. Now tell me, is this a shallow approach to dating, or something effective and purposeful? I think you know what my answer is.
I think it’s time we changed the meaning of the slang “trophy wife” to something more positive. Just like the LGBT community took the once derogatory word “queer” and now use it as a word to be proud of branding themselves, I feel the phrase “trophy wife” should now be used as a way to describe a woman that works to make herself the best person she can be, and lives the exact lifestyle she desires. In other words, a woman that a man can be proud to bring around his friends. A real trophy.
Living in New York City provides one of the best lessons in pursuing a lifestyle that fits my purpose. Not only have I carved out an interesting lifestyle for myself, I now also have a specific type of woman I’m interested in. This is of utmost importance when dating in a big city–or you stand the risk of falling into some social circles that are not in line with your purpose, and subsequently dating women and making friends that do not fit your values. The woman I’m interested in is in her mid-twenties to early-thirties; she is feminine, youthful, extremely positive, pursues her life purpose, and is appreciative of everyone and everything in her life at all times. She isn’t found in a sports’ bar. The type of social venues she frequents are conversation-focused, relaxed, and a bit artsy. Her height doesn’t matter, but her body type does. I like thin women with Western European faces and button noses. She sees dressing herself as an art, and expresses her unique style through that medium. She appreciates alternative genres of music, as well as a bit of everything… jazz, rap, pop, classic rock, soul, doo-wop, and may even teach me about some artists I haven’t heard before. She smiles more often than most. She’s the type that doesn’t need a group of girlfriends to go out and mingle with; nor does she need alcohol, cigarettes, or drugs. She’s health-conscious and exercises. She can challenge my thoughts, but keeps an open mind; and never argues with anyone. She’s too confident to try proving a point. She’s affectionate towards the people she cares about, and is more focused on pursuing her life purpose than finding a man to be dependent on. She’s gives everyone her equal attention, and is respectful to all. She has incredible social skills, and isn’t afraid of showing her weird side to a perfect stranger.
You’d think that being so specific about what you want in a partner limits you so much that you will never find someone that fits your stringent standards. In fact, it’s quite the opposite. So many men are focused on making their skills amazing in order to attract as many women as possible. That’s too time-consuming for me. I want to focus on honing my skills towards attracting the one type of woman I want. This cuts my work load down to a fraction of the size. Now, I can just work on the social skills and live the lifestyle that my dream girl is most attracted to. A smart business doesn’t spread itself thin–itd’d end up attracting no one. The business that becomes successful is the one that caters to a specific niche. Maybe you repair cars. You’d make a decent living doing that. But what if you specialized in repairing only Harley-Davidsons’ made before 1990? You’d garner the business of all old motorcycle aficionados, and you can charge top dollar because you are the best at what you do, and a rarity in the motorcycle field. Think of business the same way you think of dating. The more you spread yourself thin, the harder it will be for you to get exactly what you want. You’ll also make it harder for your dream woman to find you. If you are frequenting tons of different venues, and interacting with a wide variety of people, the consistency at which you’ll meet women that are a good match for you will be far and between. It is paramount that you spend time focusing on living the lifestyle you want, as well as figuring out exactly what type of partner you want, and what her lifestyle is like as well. Then, place yourself smack dab in the middle of where she might be mingling. No wonder so many people spend tens of hours each month dating new people. They don’t get specific enough about what they want.
If you are following this important step, you only need to be going out for one hour each week. But there’s obviously more. A bunch more. Get ready for part two, three, and possibly four. Part 2: Appreciation, Validation, and The Irish